A few days now till 3 months anniversary of "the death." I feel like I'm forgetting how much I loved him.In a state of wondering pain. Confused... really confused. What am I getting myself into? If he says he likes me, then why is like ignoring me all of the sudden? Gosh!!!! It sucks, cuz then I feel like I'm being annoying or whatever. it sohuldn't even matter.

Larger than Life,

I think I finally got a hold on death. I know whatit feels like to undergo a loved one dying, and letme tell you: I definetly do not want to go through it again. It's the feeling of "not" haveingg closure on something that should've a long while ago. There's no one way to really describe it. It's like the world is spinnning around you and you don't know or care for that matter what's going on around you. All you can think about is how much you miss that person and how you'll never see them again. It's almost like you just wanna die so you can be there with them. But in all reality, you cant do that. What aboutr all the people you'll leave behind? ANd what about your life? Don't you want kids and a husband and possibly a college dgree of some sort???

That's the thing about life: you can't just stop it on a dime. It doesn't work like that. Like the world will go on without you, and they wont wait for you. But you know the world will never be the same to your family and friends without you. Everything is affected by your absence. ANd it's true. For those of you actually reading this 15-year-old's blog: The world around you really is different when your grandpa, grandma, parents, siblings, etc. die. I know that I, personally, feel so much regret for not spending as much time as I could with him before he passed, and I keep going over that several time A DAY, about how much I regret not being there. And not saying goodbye to him.
Plus, when everything you do, reminds you of him, it makes it alot harder...

Five more minutes...

The follies which a man regrets most, in his life, are those which he didn't commit when he had the oppurtunity.

Yep. Regret. Funny thing, when you say, "I'll never regret this", yeah, right. Except, at the time, I was thinking, "Oh my gosh, I'm going to regret this, I know I am." And now, here I am, regretting.

Last night, I was talking to my sister about her small group at church and how you just have to kepp going, "Five more mintues.... Just five." And How this lady in her group gave an awesome analogy:
There was a lady whose dream was to swim the English Channel,about half way through and she got so tired, and was telling herself, "You gotta stop, you gotta. Just stop." and she ended up getting in the boat that was following, only to find that she was five minutes from shore.

SO I was thinking, "Just five more mintues..." and I ended up giving up.

JJ, You Smell Awesome.

So I have art in fourth period, and there's these two kids in there, somewhat cute, I geuss, and both of them like me...alot. Like the first guy, JJ, which I just found out that his last name is actually Revels, is like in love with me, and he always asks me to kiss him, and normally I say no, but last week, right before I went to science, I just walked up to him and kissed him. It wasn't like a make out thing, just on the cheek, but I guess he took it WAY serious, and started to not like one of my good friends, because he decided he liked me. It probably was the sweetest thing a guy has ever done for me, but then there is Isai (Eesiiee, lol), where I'm the only other girl besides his actaul girlfriend on his top 8 on myspace, which is kinda wierd, and his girlfriend hates me, kinda. And then Cody. And Jeremy now, and possible Dylan. It's just weird now. Like I've been waiting so long for this to happen, but I didn't want it all at once. HELP!

Anyday Now

Baker's chocolate. IT's the most bittersweet thing on the planet. It's like coffee. It doesn't really taste good, but, you can't get enough. It's good, but gross. Relieving, but burden-laying. Same with death, in a sort of metaphoric way. I talk about death alot, probably because it's bittersweet to me. And it happens to be all around me. Everywhere I turn I start thinking about my grandpa dying. "Anyday now" I keep telling myself. That's the thing about death. It can either hit you when you're least expecting it, or you are just waiting. Right now? I'm waiting. Anyday now. It's only that I think I'm ready.

The day I last saw this man, my grandpa, was a while ago, but I was so shocked and unprepared for what I thought I was prepared for, that I never really got in touch with it... I never really got the guts to stay in that room for more than five minutes time. I felt like an idiot, being the only one not staying and talking to him. I felt like an idiot talking to him. I felt alienated. Like I didn't know him anymore, and like he didn't know me. I felt useless. I felt like I couldn't do anything for him, but stare. And even then, I couldn't look at him. My insides twisted into knots everytime I thought about it, and I backed out of it everytime I was told to talk to him. I lied about it, saying that I did say goodnight, and whatnot. But really, I only said goodnight one time in the seven long days I was there. I regret it so much now, knowing that if I would've just done it, that I wouldn't feel like this. The feeling I'm feeling now, is like I owe him something. I only want to know him. I barely did. Do. He's not dead yet. Anyday now. Or more like a week to six months. When you think about his life, he's accomplished so much, and I'm damn proud of him and how hard he's been fighting this, even though he can't express it himself, I know he loves me, and he would always love me even if I didn;'t say goodbye to him the day I left. I keep praying for one more visit. Everytime. I pray like I owe it to him. And I do. I only wish for one last goodbye before he leaves. I'll be satisfied and ready. I know the ending already though.

Anyday now... anyday.

So Close is Time

While I should be in bed, dreaming away, I'm not. I should'ne even be think about the computer in any way right now. And I should be full of inspiration to write like normally, but I can't seem to find anything good to write about. My mind is full of wondering, frustration, anticipation, fright, and it all comes down to this: will I be able to handle the pressure? I seriosuly doubt it. I'm sure I will cry it all out Monday night. That'll be the night of doom, and my anxiety is growing.

I'm not even sure if I should think about it until tomorow anyways. The point is, I'm not ready. Not ready to experience death. The smell of death. The feel, look, touch, of death. I'm not ready or prepared in any way. I'm scared. Scared of my reaction, my facial expression. Will it hurt them? I'm scared of my actions. Will I say something that I will regret? Will I hurt them? Will I hurt them...

I don't want to hurt them. I only want someone to talk to about it. Cody. I want to tell him so much, but I don't know how to. I'm not sure if he'll get it or not. I almsost think I love him. But i doubt it. I doubt myself so much. But if this is love, it sucks. I hate not seeing him anymore, or having him pointlessly flirt with me.

My problems dont seem like much to you do they? But for some reason I think they are the most important thing. I don't know. I just don't know anymore...

It's Too Late To Apologize...

You don't need me. Don't pretend you do. Don't tell yourself you do. You wont need me anymore. I'm only the one who helped you through the hard times then. Not anymore. You have someone completely different to help you out now. I only didn't want to hurt you, but it's going to happen, especially with my luck, right? I only want you to be happy, and if me not being there makes you happy, then it's okay with me. I only need you to remember me, and to know that I love you and probably will never forget about you, but right now, it seems like I never really, really knew you, and that makes me sad, and mad, and betrayed, but I'm not worrying about it, and I'm moving on, like you already have. I also want you to know that I'm dissapointed in you and your choices and how you handled everything, and hopefully it makes a difference to you to know that. Running away isn't the way to deal with things. I would definetely know. I rean away from problems that only ended in them catching up with me, and I regret it so much, because now I have to deal with now, this week. I just don't know what to say to you, or for that matter think of you, all I know is that I really love you... I just don't understand. Forever? No. It may have seemed like it then, but not anymore. It never was, I guess. It was only an illusion of the heart, and mind, and eyes. But life is life, and this is the way it goes, so here goes nothing, I guess:
Goodbye, and thanks. I have so many great memories to remember, and hopefully, so do you. But it's time to move on. So, goodbye. I love you, and you mean so much to me. Don't make the wrong decisions anymore, please. I know you're better than that.