Five more minutes...

The follies which a man regrets most, in his life, are those which he didn't commit when he had the oppurtunity.

Yep. Regret. Funny thing, when you say, "I'll never regret this", yeah, right. Except, at the time, I was thinking, "Oh my gosh, I'm going to regret this, I know I am." And now, here I am, regretting.

Last night, I was talking to my sister about her small group at church and how you just have to kepp going, "Five more mintues.... Just five." And How this lady in her group gave an awesome analogy:
There was a lady whose dream was to swim the English Channel,about half way through and she got so tired, and was telling herself, "You gotta stop, you gotta. Just stop." and she ended up getting in the boat that was following, only to find that she was five minutes from shore.

SO I was thinking, "Just five more mintues..." and I ended up giving up.

JJ, You Smell Awesome.

So I have art in fourth period, and there's these two kids in there, somewhat cute, I geuss, and both of them like me...alot. Like the first guy, JJ, which I just found out that his last name is actually Revels, is like in love with me, and he always asks me to kiss him, and normally I say no, but last week, right before I went to science, I just walked up to him and kissed him. It wasn't like a make out thing, just on the cheek, but I guess he took it WAY serious, and started to not like one of my good friends, because he decided he liked me. It probably was the sweetest thing a guy has ever done for me, but then there is Isai (Eesiiee, lol), where I'm the only other girl besides his actaul girlfriend on his top 8 on myspace, which is kinda wierd, and his girlfriend hates me, kinda. And then Cody. And Jeremy now, and possible Dylan. It's just weird now. Like I've been waiting so long for this to happen, but I didn't want it all at once. HELP!

Anyday Now

Baker's chocolate. IT's the most bittersweet thing on the planet. It's like coffee. It doesn't really taste good, but, you can't get enough. It's good, but gross. Relieving, but burden-laying. Same with death, in a sort of metaphoric way. I talk about death alot, probably because it's bittersweet to me. And it happens to be all around me. Everywhere I turn I start thinking about my grandpa dying. "Anyday now" I keep telling myself. That's the thing about death. It can either hit you when you're least expecting it, or you are just waiting. Right now? I'm waiting. Anyday now. It's only that I think I'm ready.

The day I last saw this man, my grandpa, was a while ago, but I was so shocked and unprepared for what I thought I was prepared for, that I never really got in touch with it... I never really got the guts to stay in that room for more than five minutes time. I felt like an idiot, being the only one not staying and talking to him. I felt like an idiot talking to him. I felt alienated. Like I didn't know him anymore, and like he didn't know me. I felt useless. I felt like I couldn't do anything for him, but stare. And even then, I couldn't look at him. My insides twisted into knots everytime I thought about it, and I backed out of it everytime I was told to talk to him. I lied about it, saying that I did say goodnight, and whatnot. But really, I only said goodnight one time in the seven long days I was there. I regret it so much now, knowing that if I would've just done it, that I wouldn't feel like this. The feeling I'm feeling now, is like I owe him something. I only want to know him. I barely did. Do. He's not dead yet. Anyday now. Or more like a week to six months. When you think about his life, he's accomplished so much, and I'm damn proud of him and how hard he's been fighting this, even though he can't express it himself, I know he loves me, and he would always love me even if I didn;'t say goodbye to him the day I left. I keep praying for one more visit. Everytime. I pray like I owe it to him. And I do. I only wish for one last goodbye before he leaves. I'll be satisfied and ready. I know the ending already though.

Anyday now... anyday.

So Close is Time

While I should be in bed, dreaming away, I'm not. I should'ne even be think about the computer in any way right now. And I should be full of inspiration to write like normally, but I can't seem to find anything good to write about. My mind is full of wondering, frustration, anticipation, fright, and it all comes down to this: will I be able to handle the pressure? I seriosuly doubt it. I'm sure I will cry it all out Monday night. That'll be the night of doom, and my anxiety is growing.

I'm not even sure if I should think about it until tomorow anyways. The point is, I'm not ready. Not ready to experience death. The smell of death. The feel, look, touch, of death. I'm not ready or prepared in any way. I'm scared. Scared of my reaction, my facial expression. Will it hurt them? I'm scared of my actions. Will I say something that I will regret? Will I hurt them? Will I hurt them...

I don't want to hurt them. I only want someone to talk to about it. Cody. I want to tell him so much, but I don't know how to. I'm not sure if he'll get it or not. I almsost think I love him. But i doubt it. I doubt myself so much. But if this is love, it sucks. I hate not seeing him anymore, or having him pointlessly flirt with me.

My problems dont seem like much to you do they? But for some reason I think they are the most important thing. I don't know. I just don't know anymore...

It's Too Late To Apologize...

You don't need me. Don't pretend you do. Don't tell yourself you do. You wont need me anymore. I'm only the one who helped you through the hard times then. Not anymore. You have someone completely different to help you out now. I only didn't want to hurt you, but it's going to happen, especially with my luck, right? I only want you to be happy, and if me not being there makes you happy, then it's okay with me. I only need you to remember me, and to know that I love you and probably will never forget about you, but right now, it seems like I never really, really knew you, and that makes me sad, and mad, and betrayed, but I'm not worrying about it, and I'm moving on, like you already have. I also want you to know that I'm dissapointed in you and your choices and how you handled everything, and hopefully it makes a difference to you to know that. Running away isn't the way to deal with things. I would definetely know. I rean away from problems that only ended in them catching up with me, and I regret it so much, because now I have to deal with now, this week. I just don't know what to say to you, or for that matter think of you, all I know is that I really love you... I just don't understand. Forever? No. It may have seemed like it then, but not anymore. It never was, I guess. It was only an illusion of the heart, and mind, and eyes. But life is life, and this is the way it goes, so here goes nothing, I guess:
Goodbye, and thanks. I have so many great memories to remember, and hopefully, so do you. But it's time to move on. So, goodbye. I love you, and you mean so much to me. Don't make the wrong decisions anymore, please. I know you're better than that.

No more...

I wish you could see me now, I wish I could show you how, I'm not who I was...

I used to be mad at you, a little on the hurt side too, but I'm not who I was...

I write about love and such, probably cause I want it so much, but I'm not who I was...

-Brandon Heath, "I'm Not Who I Was"

This makes me think of my last post, and how I said everyone was changing, and I'm adding to it, in the sense that I, myself, am changing too, along with all the others I mentioned.

I AM TIRED OF GIVING SECOND CHANCES. NO MORE.

That's right, I'm sick of always giving out second and third and fourth chances... They are a waste of my time, because then I will end up giving just one more everytime. So I'm standing for something, and it's doing whats right, and if that means losing someone near and dear, then so be it. I'm not going to give into people so easily and I'm not going to let them walk on me. No more pushover, no more backing down, and no more not saying what I meant to. It's all gone starting now, and it's not going to end. And I AM hurt, by all your stupid choices and mistakes that you have repeated over an over, and your "new" attitude: it doesn't involve me anymore. Period.

Change...

I guess people change. Well, I don't guess... I know they do. I notice it everywhere now. Change pretty much is what life is: Adapting to changes. I see people change more and more over every passing day, it's unreal. My best freinds, Some now my ex best friends. My family, My surroundings, technology, everything. It's virtually impossible to escape. But in the end, you have to deal with it. And I'm not so sure how I'm going to. Life goes on, and tears fade, but right now, it doesn't seem like they will.

My best friends changed so much over the past years. Makaela: it seems to me she's completely forgotten me as of last month, after moving to Las Vegas over a year ago. Now, I know that Myspace is a dumb thing to overlook as forgetting, but it seems logical to me. I'm not on her top friends anymore, and I (along with the city Post Falls, itself) is erased from the about me section. It's like I don't even know her anymore.

My other best friend: Allie. This change is good and bad, i think. Like she isn't shy anymore, and she has a boyfriend now(ex,lol), even though I find my self jealous over this, I'm still happy for this change... Then came Bryan...hmmm, this boy, it seems, is using her, and now addicted to Allie. I'm not so sure what to think of her anymore, now that he got on the otherside of her. I'm not so much as mad, just extremely, disappointed in her, like I can't trust her. I know I can, but my feeling toward her change, seeing as how desperate she has become over the last few weeks, actually, and it makes me see how I want nothing to do with it. I love Allie to death, but my respect and looking up to her fades more and more everyday. Her reputation is down the drain in my mind, even though nobody knows her secret. I noticed how much she tries. And desperate to have a boyfriend she really is. I don't want to be like that, in any way. I want to be independant and myself. I don't want high school to define me, but in a different sense, I want to define high school. I am proud I haven't gotten in to any of that stuff. And I'm proud to say, that I will not in any way be apart of that part of high school. It's pretty much the cliche of high school girls. Sex, drugs, boys. The usual. I'm not who I was a year ago.
My expectations for her, I thought, were a higher level of what she's showing now. I don't think I know how to react to her actions. I feel like I'm being her babysitter, and I care for her, and I don't want to see her go down that path. I don't see how the change is good anymore. It seems like she strives to be like popular girls, when she, in reality is nothing like them. She is unique, and beautiful. She just doesn't realize it quite yet.

I'll Miss You When You're Gone

Yeah, that's me. BriannaRose. Rose is actually my middle name. Kinda obvious I guess. Anywho, that's me, and this is my new blog. I have to admit, that I used to have one of these, but I ended up blowing it off. Funny, because I NEVER blow off my Myspace...

This "new blog" is going to become my story, of everything that I guess isn't so exciting. But nonetheless, it's my life, and I have to have somewhere to write, or in this case type, what I think, and feel, and in some cases say what I can't say to some people's faces, and it's going to help me a ton in my life, more than likely. So, I'm going to start by this:

Hi, I'm Brianna, mostly called Bri though. I'm 15 as of October 5th, 2007. I am very open, after I get to know people. The internet is a lot different though, most of the people who will read this will be in Africa or something. I love volleyball, food, friends and family. Typical, i know. I think family is the most important thing in life. And I'm so grateful for mine, knowing that there really are people who lose their parents in wars, hurricanes, like Katrina, and everyday accidents, like car crashes. Everytime I pass a car accident on the freeway, I always think to myself "Oh, God. I hope they're okay." Probably because I almost know what it feels like to lose someone. It's almost here. I can feel it. And I actually know it's coming. I mean, I'm not dumb or anything, it's just you always think you're prepared, until he/she dies, and you realize you weren't ready in any way.

When people say, "I'm okay with him/her going. It's their time now," I never believe them. Because I already know I'm not prepared for what's going to happen next. I may think I am, but in reality, there's not a chance in hell I'm ready for death. Not me personally, Im only 15, so I'm not so worried about me. It's someone else. Someone I care for with all my heart. And someone I wish I had more time with. I know it's going to hurt when he leaves. But it is for the best. It'll show me some realities about myself, and how I deal with crisis. But I don't want to think of it that way. I was talking to my sister, Alaina, about it, and she told me to think of the happy times I had with him, but I couldn't think of ANY. I knew there were some, but they couldn't come to me. Then I thought of the time we went to California for christmas to see family, and he grabbed a leftover bow and stuck it on his head. Everyone thought it was the funniest thing ever. So now whenever I feel sad about him leaving, I always thought of that picture, and it always helps me cope with the idea of him dying.

The way I think of death is now completely different only because of one story I read in 5th period English. It was called "The Scarlett Ibis" and it was about a family which contained a little boy who was born with disabilities and everyone thought was going to die young. The little boy's brother, one day saw him smile as an infant, proving that he really wasn't invalid, and was hopeful that he would be like all the other children. Well, Doodle, the disabled boy, learned to talk, and talked constantly, but couldn't walk, and his brother became ashamed of this, and tried to change him, by teaching him how to walk, and swim and run, and be like other kids, before school season started. Then one day, a recent hurricane blew in a Tropical Scarlett Ibis, which ended up dying in their front yard. Doodle saw this bird died, and decided it was so rare that he was goingto bury it like a human being. The family saw the bird as a scraggly ugly thing alive, but when it died in front of them, it seemed more graceful than anything they had ever seen. Well, one day, Doodle and hid brother were racing to a secret spot they both loved to go to, and Doodle fell, and his brother kept running even though he heard his brother crying out to him. Doodle ends up dying on the road they were racing on, and I know it may seem weird, but his death seemed so graceful to me, that I could imagine this in my mind. I could see everything around them, and know every detail to the story. In some ways, Doodle was like the Scarlett Ibis. Alive, he was seen as a little boy who wasn't as bright as other kids, and disabled to strangers, but dead he seemed as normal, and graceful as ever. I'm sure the brother showed the most sadness to the death of Doodle, and probably thought he was the cause of it. But nobody blamed him for it.

This story really helped me understand death as more of a transition from life to death, ans showed me that it really is the transition that makes death hard for people to accept and go through. I mean, it's probably the scariest thing people have to go through, but really, there is no way to get around it. It's inevitable. It's something EVERYONE will have to face one way or another. But the point is that life is great and all, but it will come to an end, and the end really is a good thing. People just don't understand it yet. Which, funny, is understandable, because emotions get in the way, and makes it that much harded to cope with. And even though my grandpa is dying right now, I know that his life was something I look up to, and even though I regret not being with him as much as we both would;ve liked, I know he loves me and I know he knows that I love and care for him so so much. He may not be able to know I'm here, or that I'm excited to see him in heaven when that day comes. I'm not excited quite yet, but I know I'm going to be ecstatic for the one day in heaven.

I love you Grandpa, and I'll miss you when you're gone.

Love,

You're biggest fan,

Breezy

PS. Thanks for teaching me how to cut an orange, and hold a knife properly. I love you so much. It's unreal.