Change...

I guess people change. Well, I don't guess... I know they do. I notice it everywhere now. Change pretty much is what life is: Adapting to changes. I see people change more and more over every passing day, it's unreal. My best freinds, Some now my ex best friends. My family, My surroundings, technology, everything. It's virtually impossible to escape. But in the end, you have to deal with it. And I'm not so sure how I'm going to. Life goes on, and tears fade, but right now, it doesn't seem like they will.

My best friends changed so much over the past years. Makaela: it seems to me she's completely forgotten me as of last month, after moving to Las Vegas over a year ago. Now, I know that Myspace is a dumb thing to overlook as forgetting, but it seems logical to me. I'm not on her top friends anymore, and I (along with the city Post Falls, itself) is erased from the about me section. It's like I don't even know her anymore.

My other best friend: Allie. This change is good and bad, i think. Like she isn't shy anymore, and she has a boyfriend now(ex,lol), even though I find my self jealous over this, I'm still happy for this change... Then came Bryan...hmmm, this boy, it seems, is using her, and now addicted to Allie. I'm not so sure what to think of her anymore, now that he got on the otherside of her. I'm not so much as mad, just extremely, disappointed in her, like I can't trust her. I know I can, but my feeling toward her change, seeing as how desperate she has become over the last few weeks, actually, and it makes me see how I want nothing to do with it. I love Allie to death, but my respect and looking up to her fades more and more everyday. Her reputation is down the drain in my mind, even though nobody knows her secret. I noticed how much she tries. And desperate to have a boyfriend she really is. I don't want to be like that, in any way. I want to be independant and myself. I don't want high school to define me, but in a different sense, I want to define high school. I am proud I haven't gotten in to any of that stuff. And I'm proud to say, that I will not in any way be apart of that part of high school. It's pretty much the cliche of high school girls. Sex, drugs, boys. The usual. I'm not who I was a year ago.
My expectations for her, I thought, were a higher level of what she's showing now. I don't think I know how to react to her actions. I feel like I'm being her babysitter, and I care for her, and I don't want to see her go down that path. I don't see how the change is good anymore. It seems like she strives to be like popular girls, when she, in reality is nothing like them. She is unique, and beautiful. She just doesn't realize it quite yet.

I'll Miss You When You're Gone

Yeah, that's me. BriannaRose. Rose is actually my middle name. Kinda obvious I guess. Anywho, that's me, and this is my new blog. I have to admit, that I used to have one of these, but I ended up blowing it off. Funny, because I NEVER blow off my Myspace...

This "new blog" is going to become my story, of everything that I guess isn't so exciting. But nonetheless, it's my life, and I have to have somewhere to write, or in this case type, what I think, and feel, and in some cases say what I can't say to some people's faces, and it's going to help me a ton in my life, more than likely. So, I'm going to start by this:

Hi, I'm Brianna, mostly called Bri though. I'm 15 as of October 5th, 2007. I am very open, after I get to know people. The internet is a lot different though, most of the people who will read this will be in Africa or something. I love volleyball, food, friends and family. Typical, i know. I think family is the most important thing in life. And I'm so grateful for mine, knowing that there really are people who lose their parents in wars, hurricanes, like Katrina, and everyday accidents, like car crashes. Everytime I pass a car accident on the freeway, I always think to myself "Oh, God. I hope they're okay." Probably because I almost know what it feels like to lose someone. It's almost here. I can feel it. And I actually know it's coming. I mean, I'm not dumb or anything, it's just you always think you're prepared, until he/she dies, and you realize you weren't ready in any way.

When people say, "I'm okay with him/her going. It's their time now," I never believe them. Because I already know I'm not prepared for what's going to happen next. I may think I am, but in reality, there's not a chance in hell I'm ready for death. Not me personally, Im only 15, so I'm not so worried about me. It's someone else. Someone I care for with all my heart. And someone I wish I had more time with. I know it's going to hurt when he leaves. But it is for the best. It'll show me some realities about myself, and how I deal with crisis. But I don't want to think of it that way. I was talking to my sister, Alaina, about it, and she told me to think of the happy times I had with him, but I couldn't think of ANY. I knew there were some, but they couldn't come to me. Then I thought of the time we went to California for christmas to see family, and he grabbed a leftover bow and stuck it on his head. Everyone thought it was the funniest thing ever. So now whenever I feel sad about him leaving, I always thought of that picture, and it always helps me cope with the idea of him dying.

The way I think of death is now completely different only because of one story I read in 5th period English. It was called "The Scarlett Ibis" and it was about a family which contained a little boy who was born with disabilities and everyone thought was going to die young. The little boy's brother, one day saw him smile as an infant, proving that he really wasn't invalid, and was hopeful that he would be like all the other children. Well, Doodle, the disabled boy, learned to talk, and talked constantly, but couldn't walk, and his brother became ashamed of this, and tried to change him, by teaching him how to walk, and swim and run, and be like other kids, before school season started. Then one day, a recent hurricane blew in a Tropical Scarlett Ibis, which ended up dying in their front yard. Doodle saw this bird died, and decided it was so rare that he was goingto bury it like a human being. The family saw the bird as a scraggly ugly thing alive, but when it died in front of them, it seemed more graceful than anything they had ever seen. Well, one day, Doodle and hid brother were racing to a secret spot they both loved to go to, and Doodle fell, and his brother kept running even though he heard his brother crying out to him. Doodle ends up dying on the road they were racing on, and I know it may seem weird, but his death seemed so graceful to me, that I could imagine this in my mind. I could see everything around them, and know every detail to the story. In some ways, Doodle was like the Scarlett Ibis. Alive, he was seen as a little boy who wasn't as bright as other kids, and disabled to strangers, but dead he seemed as normal, and graceful as ever. I'm sure the brother showed the most sadness to the death of Doodle, and probably thought he was the cause of it. But nobody blamed him for it.

This story really helped me understand death as more of a transition from life to death, ans showed me that it really is the transition that makes death hard for people to accept and go through. I mean, it's probably the scariest thing people have to go through, but really, there is no way to get around it. It's inevitable. It's something EVERYONE will have to face one way or another. But the point is that life is great and all, but it will come to an end, and the end really is a good thing. People just don't understand it yet. Which, funny, is understandable, because emotions get in the way, and makes it that much harded to cope with. And even though my grandpa is dying right now, I know that his life was something I look up to, and even though I regret not being with him as much as we both would;ve liked, I know he loves me and I know he knows that I love and care for him so so much. He may not be able to know I'm here, or that I'm excited to see him in heaven when that day comes. I'm not excited quite yet, but I know I'm going to be ecstatic for the one day in heaven.

I love you Grandpa, and I'll miss you when you're gone.

Love,

You're biggest fan,

Breezy

PS. Thanks for teaching me how to cut an orange, and hold a knife properly. I love you so much. It's unreal.