So Close is Time

While I should be in bed, dreaming away, I'm not. I should'ne even be think about the computer in any way right now. And I should be full of inspiration to write like normally, but I can't seem to find anything good to write about. My mind is full of wondering, frustration, anticipation, fright, and it all comes down to this: will I be able to handle the pressure? I seriosuly doubt it. I'm sure I will cry it all out Monday night. That'll be the night of doom, and my anxiety is growing.

I'm not even sure if I should think about it until tomorow anyways. The point is, I'm not ready. Not ready to experience death. The smell of death. The feel, look, touch, of death. I'm not ready or prepared in any way. I'm scared. Scared of my reaction, my facial expression. Will it hurt them? I'm scared of my actions. Will I say something that I will regret? Will I hurt them? Will I hurt them...

I don't want to hurt them. I only want someone to talk to about it. Cody. I want to tell him so much, but I don't know how to. I'm not sure if he'll get it or not. I almsost think I love him. But i doubt it. I doubt myself so much. But if this is love, it sucks. I hate not seeing him anymore, or having him pointlessly flirt with me.

My problems dont seem like much to you do they? But for some reason I think they are the most important thing. I don't know. I just don't know anymore...

It's Too Late To Apologize...

You don't need me. Don't pretend you do. Don't tell yourself you do. You wont need me anymore. I'm only the one who helped you through the hard times then. Not anymore. You have someone completely different to help you out now. I only didn't want to hurt you, but it's going to happen, especially with my luck, right? I only want you to be happy, and if me not being there makes you happy, then it's okay with me. I only need you to remember me, and to know that I love you and probably will never forget about you, but right now, it seems like I never really, really knew you, and that makes me sad, and mad, and betrayed, but I'm not worrying about it, and I'm moving on, like you already have. I also want you to know that I'm dissapointed in you and your choices and how you handled everything, and hopefully it makes a difference to you to know that. Running away isn't the way to deal with things. I would definetely know. I rean away from problems that only ended in them catching up with me, and I regret it so much, because now I have to deal with now, this week. I just don't know what to say to you, or for that matter think of you, all I know is that I really love you... I just don't understand. Forever? No. It may have seemed like it then, but not anymore. It never was, I guess. It was only an illusion of the heart, and mind, and eyes. But life is life, and this is the way it goes, so here goes nothing, I guess:
Goodbye, and thanks. I have so many great memories to remember, and hopefully, so do you. But it's time to move on. So, goodbye. I love you, and you mean so much to me. Don't make the wrong decisions anymore, please. I know you're better than that.

No more...

I wish you could see me now, I wish I could show you how, I'm not who I was...

I used to be mad at you, a little on the hurt side too, but I'm not who I was...

I write about love and such, probably cause I want it so much, but I'm not who I was...

-Brandon Heath, "I'm Not Who I Was"

This makes me think of my last post, and how I said everyone was changing, and I'm adding to it, in the sense that I, myself, am changing too, along with all the others I mentioned.

I AM TIRED OF GIVING SECOND CHANCES. NO MORE.

That's right, I'm sick of always giving out second and third and fourth chances... They are a waste of my time, because then I will end up giving just one more everytime. So I'm standing for something, and it's doing whats right, and if that means losing someone near and dear, then so be it. I'm not going to give into people so easily and I'm not going to let them walk on me. No more pushover, no more backing down, and no more not saying what I meant to. It's all gone starting now, and it's not going to end. And I AM hurt, by all your stupid choices and mistakes that you have repeated over an over, and your "new" attitude: it doesn't involve me anymore. Period.