So Close is Time

While I should be in bed, dreaming away, I'm not. I should'ne even be think about the computer in any way right now. And I should be full of inspiration to write like normally, but I can't seem to find anything good to write about. My mind is full of wondering, frustration, anticipation, fright, and it all comes down to this: will I be able to handle the pressure? I seriosuly doubt it. I'm sure I will cry it all out Monday night. That'll be the night of doom, and my anxiety is growing.

I'm not even sure if I should think about it until tomorow anyways. The point is, I'm not ready. Not ready to experience death. The smell of death. The feel, look, touch, of death. I'm not ready or prepared in any way. I'm scared. Scared of my reaction, my facial expression. Will it hurt them? I'm scared of my actions. Will I say something that I will regret? Will I hurt them? Will I hurt them...

I don't want to hurt them. I only want someone to talk to about it. Cody. I want to tell him so much, but I don't know how to. I'm not sure if he'll get it or not. I almsost think I love him. But i doubt it. I doubt myself so much. But if this is love, it sucks. I hate not seeing him anymore, or having him pointlessly flirt with me.

My problems dont seem like much to you do they? But for some reason I think they are the most important thing. I don't know. I just don't know anymore...