Five more minutes...

The follies which a man regrets most, in his life, are those which he didn't commit when he had the oppurtunity.

Yep. Regret. Funny thing, when you say, "I'll never regret this", yeah, right. Except, at the time, I was thinking, "Oh my gosh, I'm going to regret this, I know I am." And now, here I am, regretting.

Last night, I was talking to my sister about her small group at church and how you just have to kepp going, "Five more mintues.... Just five." And How this lady in her group gave an awesome analogy:
There was a lady whose dream was to swim the English Channel,about half way through and she got so tired, and was telling herself, "You gotta stop, you gotta. Just stop." and she ended up getting in the boat that was following, only to find that she was five minutes from shore.

SO I was thinking, "Just five more mintues..." and I ended up giving up.

JJ, You Smell Awesome.

So I have art in fourth period, and there's these two kids in there, somewhat cute, I geuss, and both of them like me...alot. Like the first guy, JJ, which I just found out that his last name is actually Revels, is like in love with me, and he always asks me to kiss him, and normally I say no, but last week, right before I went to science, I just walked up to him and kissed him. It wasn't like a make out thing, just on the cheek, but I guess he took it WAY serious, and started to not like one of my good friends, because he decided he liked me. It probably was the sweetest thing a guy has ever done for me, but then there is Isai (Eesiiee, lol), where I'm the only other girl besides his actaul girlfriend on his top 8 on myspace, which is kinda wierd, and his girlfriend hates me, kinda. And then Cody. And Jeremy now, and possible Dylan. It's just weird now. Like I've been waiting so long for this to happen, but I didn't want it all at once. HELP!

Anyday Now

Baker's chocolate. IT's the most bittersweet thing on the planet. It's like coffee. It doesn't really taste good, but, you can't get enough. It's good, but gross. Relieving, but burden-laying. Same with death, in a sort of metaphoric way. I talk about death alot, probably because it's bittersweet to me. And it happens to be all around me. Everywhere I turn I start thinking about my grandpa dying. "Anyday now" I keep telling myself. That's the thing about death. It can either hit you when you're least expecting it, or you are just waiting. Right now? I'm waiting. Anyday now. It's only that I think I'm ready.

The day I last saw this man, my grandpa, was a while ago, but I was so shocked and unprepared for what I thought I was prepared for, that I never really got in touch with it... I never really got the guts to stay in that room for more than five minutes time. I felt like an idiot, being the only one not staying and talking to him. I felt like an idiot talking to him. I felt alienated. Like I didn't know him anymore, and like he didn't know me. I felt useless. I felt like I couldn't do anything for him, but stare. And even then, I couldn't look at him. My insides twisted into knots everytime I thought about it, and I backed out of it everytime I was told to talk to him. I lied about it, saying that I did say goodnight, and whatnot. But really, I only said goodnight one time in the seven long days I was there. I regret it so much now, knowing that if I would've just done it, that I wouldn't feel like this. The feeling I'm feeling now, is like I owe him something. I only want to know him. I barely did. Do. He's not dead yet. Anyday now. Or more like a week to six months. When you think about his life, he's accomplished so much, and I'm damn proud of him and how hard he's been fighting this, even though he can't express it himself, I know he loves me, and he would always love me even if I didn;'t say goodbye to him the day I left. I keep praying for one more visit. Everytime. I pray like I owe it to him. And I do. I only wish for one last goodbye before he leaves. I'll be satisfied and ready. I know the ending already though.

Anyday now... anyday.