Anyday Now

Baker's chocolate. IT's the most bittersweet thing on the planet. It's like coffee. It doesn't really taste good, but, you can't get enough. It's good, but gross. Relieving, but burden-laying. Same with death, in a sort of metaphoric way. I talk about death alot, probably because it's bittersweet to me. And it happens to be all around me. Everywhere I turn I start thinking about my grandpa dying. "Anyday now" I keep telling myself. That's the thing about death. It can either hit you when you're least expecting it, or you are just waiting. Right now? I'm waiting. Anyday now. It's only that I think I'm ready.

The day I last saw this man, my grandpa, was a while ago, but I was so shocked and unprepared for what I thought I was prepared for, that I never really got in touch with it... I never really got the guts to stay in that room for more than five minutes time. I felt like an idiot, being the only one not staying and talking to him. I felt like an idiot talking to him. I felt alienated. Like I didn't know him anymore, and like he didn't know me. I felt useless. I felt like I couldn't do anything for him, but stare. And even then, I couldn't look at him. My insides twisted into knots everytime I thought about it, and I backed out of it everytime I was told to talk to him. I lied about it, saying that I did say goodnight, and whatnot. But really, I only said goodnight one time in the seven long days I was there. I regret it so much now, knowing that if I would've just done it, that I wouldn't feel like this. The feeling I'm feeling now, is like I owe him something. I only want to know him. I barely did. Do. He's not dead yet. Anyday now. Or more like a week to six months. When you think about his life, he's accomplished so much, and I'm damn proud of him and how hard he's been fighting this, even though he can't express it himself, I know he loves me, and he would always love me even if I didn;'t say goodbye to him the day I left. I keep praying for one more visit. Everytime. I pray like I owe it to him. And I do. I only wish for one last goodbye before he leaves. I'll be satisfied and ready. I know the ending already though.

Anyday now... anyday.